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The Great Designer Search was Wizards' reality show. When Mark Rosewater came to me to hose the celebrity version of the show, I was ecstatic. Shows like Celebrity Fear Factor, Celebrity Apprentice, and Celebrity Rehab have all been fantastic hits, and this could finally give me the respect and adoration that should so rightfully be mine already. We had a lot of good entries so it was really hard to eliminate as many people as I had to, but I managed to narrow the field down to five finalists. They were all required to submit a couple of their designs as well as a brief introduction. So with that, it is my pleasure to present to you the finalists completing for the title of America's Next Top Celebrity Great Designer Chef Who Happens to Be In Rehab. Survivor fits in there somewhere too.
Name: Michael Bay
Player Psychographical Profile: Timmy
Favourite Card: Kaboom!
Introduction: Magic's come a long way since the early days, and I think that's a mistake! Some of Wizards' best work goes all the way back to the earliest days of the game. Antiquities had Rocket Launcher. Arabian Nights had [card Aladdins Ring]the shotgun[/card]. Where has all the firepower gone? Well the world I've designed for this competition is called Awesomeville. It's a futuristic, post apocalyptic world full of steampunk goblins, robots, some dinosaurs just for fun, Megadeth, and LOADS OF EXPLOSIONS!
Card Designs:
Mutually Assured Destruction WUBRG
Instant (Mythic)
You lose 99% of your life, rounded up. All opponents lose the game. If your life total is 0 or less, you and your teammates also lose the game.
"I speak of mutally assured destruction. Nice story; tell it to Reader's Digest!"
Everything Goes BOOM! 2RR
Enchantment (Rare)
All permanents have "Sacrifice this: Deal 2 damage to target creature or player."
"BOOM goes the dynamite!" - Shia LaBeouf, Goblin Plot Device
Ginormous Mecha-Scaleback 5GG
Artifact Creature - Dinosaur Cyborg (Mythic)
Trample
Ginormous Scaleback is indestructible.
"Semper Fidelis Tyrannosaurus!"
10/10
Rolph "Chip" Hitler*
*Note: If you are unaware, Chip Hitler is the youngest sibling of famous dictator Adolf Hitler. While not particularly well known, he was chosen because Adolf is dead, and because every celebrity reality show needs its Billy Baldwin.
Player Psychographical Profile: Spike
Favourite Card: Invoke Prejudice
Introduction: I want a world where all the impurities are exposed and then expunged. I'm in this to win, as I am with all things, so I also want a world without flavour text on cards; it's inefficient.
Card Designs:
Hasidicism 3GG
Enchantment (Rare)
When Hasidicism comes into play, secretly gain control of the world economy
1G: Regenerate target creature unless any other player gives you a dollar.
Jamuraan Spear-Chucker WW
Inferior Creature - Human Disgrace (Common)
Jamuraan Spear-Chucker is too lazy to untap during your untap step.
T: Deal 1 damage to target creature or player.
2/2
Flames of Cleansing 3WW
Sorcery (Rare)
Destroy all non-white creatures and all inferior permanents.
Judge Mills Lane
Player Psychographical Profile: Melvin
Favourite Card: Hand to Hand/Bureaucracy
Introduction: Alright, celebrities: I want a good clean fight. Hands above the belt; no cheap shots. We live in a society of rules, and the world of Magic is no exception. The only thing more important that knowing the rules is being in a position to decide the rules.
Card Designs:
Stricken From the Record RRRR
Enchantment (Mythic)
If Stricken From the Record is in your opening hand, you may begin the game with it on the battlefield.
Anytime a player could mulligan, that player may reveal their hand. If their hand contains all or no lands they may put those cards on the bottom of their library and draw that many cards.
The first player to take a turn this game does not skip that turn's draw step.
Whenever unused mana empties from a player's mana pool that player loses 1 life for each unused mana.
Blocked creatures may distribute their damage among any number of blocking creatures regardless of blocking order.
"Back in my day..."
Order in the Court WW
Instant (Common)
Prevent all damage that would be dealt this turn by attacking creatures.
"Vernacular? That's a doibee!"
Land of Confusion
Land (Rare)
T: Add 1 to your mana pool.
Pursuant to Rule 613.3b of the Magic: the Gathering Comprehensive Rules, effects applied in Layer 7b are applied after effects in Layer 7e would be applied.
"I'll allow it."
Shigeru Miyamoto
Player Pyschographical Profile: Johnny
Favourite Card: Figure of Destiny (Except it should turn back into a 1/1 every time it gets hit to make the game more challenging!)
Introduction: ほとんどの輝かしいゲームショーライバル！ 私はゆがみを下ったところにある魔法の世界にパイプを持って行って、マッシュルーム王国〔界〕にそれを運ぶことを意図します。 トカゲ、菌類、及び配管工が多いです！ 今、本当にどの位太っているかを反映するために私にあなたのmiiを調節させてください！
Card Designs:
A Link to the Past BG
Enchantment (Mythic)
Whenever you would draw a card, you may instead remove two cards in your graveyard from the game. If you do, return a card from your graveyard to your hand.
Bowser, the Lizard King 3RG
Legendary Creature - Lizard (Rare)
When Bowser enters the battlefield, exile target creature. When Bowser leaves play, return that creature to the battlefield.
Trample
R: +1/+0 until end of turn.
6/6
"The princess will be mine."
Cunning Sprite U
Creature - Faerie (Uncommon)
Flying
You may look at the top card of your library at any time.
Prevent all combat damage that would be dealt to Cunning Sprite.
0/1
"Hey, listen!"
Emeril Lagasi
Player Psychographical Profile: Johnny/Spike/Timmy
Favourite Card: Crop Rotation
Introduction: Rise of the Eldrazi set the stage with multikicker, so now it's time to kick this game up to notches unknown! We're gonna get a lot of different aspects working together and the flavor combination is gonna blow your mind.
Card Designs:
Unbound Insight U
Instant (Uncommon)
Multikicker - 1
Reveal the top card of your library and one additional card for each time Unbound Insight was kicked. An opponent separates those cards into two piles. Put one pile into your hand and the other on the bottom of your library in any order.
Gathering all the pieces for a recipe is often a team effort.
Mixing Bowl 4
Artifact (Rare)
X,T: Reveal an instant or sorcery card with converted mana cost X or less from your hand. Add the revealed card's effect to target instant or sorcery.
As the gremlin poured the dangerous secret ingredient into the concoction it became clear: someone's going to die tonight eating chili.
Notches Unknown G
Instant (Uncommon)
Multikicker - G
Target permanent with a counter on it gets another counter of a kind already there and another counter of a kind already there for each time Notches Unknown was kicked.
"BAM!"
There they are, your five finalists! Come back next week when we discuss their card submissions and when special guest judge Mark Summers will joining us to administer the competitors' first physical challenge!
Really going out on a limb with that Hitler dude… Warning: suing may occur
You can't sue just because someone because you're a humourless dick who gets butthurt over what's CLEARLY satire. You're welcome to cry like a bitch and be offended by it, but there's nothing even remotely actionable in this article.
Now that was funny, and one of the most unique articles to appear here yet. Well done!
Who is Emeril Lagasi?
He's a chef who has had multiple TV shows and a chain of restaurants. He's most known for yelling "BAM!" while adding spices to food, for saying he intends to "kick it up a notch", and for saying that "pork fat rules".
Oh, you mean Emeril Lagasse.
You can’t be sued for offending someone with a fictional character in a satirical article. Your a flipping idiot if you believe what you wrote. It’s called the first amendment. Learn it.
Actually, being jewish, I am some what offended by your inclusion of the Hitler character in this poor excuse for an article…
Is your editor on vacation? There are so many mistakes in this article, both grammatically and thematically, that it seems to have been posted without any regard for the content. It's time to do away with the hasty posts, post haste.
I caught one grammatical error, but not sure I can edit it once it's been published or I'd have fixed it by now.
I count at least 4.
You can't sue someone just because you don't like what they say. No lawyer would take this case, because they'd lose and it's a waste of their time and reputation.
The “Chip Hitler” section is not satire. That’s simply a fact. It’s nothing more than a collection of references to inflammatory material, designed to elicit a laugh from people when they’re inevitably made uncomfortable by it. It’s shock humor. It’s childish. And it’s not funny. Yes, you can make jokes about nazis, and yes it can be funny and well-done (see: Blazing Saddles). But this is, to say the least, disappointing.
If this is the kind of weak articles and sophomoric attempts at humor I can expect from quietspeculation, and the comments made here are representative of the intelligence and maturity of the forumgoers, I am happy to turn my back on this site and never return. Good riddance.
I've been quite critical of Jeebus in the past, so I hesitated to comment here at first. I don't want to seem like a troll, and really I respect anyone who takes the time to create magic articles for (I would imagine) us to enjoy for free.
That said, I guess I just don't get the point here. A satirical take on the GDS with celebrities is a funny idea, but I don't really get the rest of it. Why these people? Why pick (and misspell the name of) a TV chef from 7-8 years ago? Why a potentially offensive made up Hitler relative? What is the point of making one-note Michael Bay references? He likes explosions – I get it. Heck, he even makes fun of himself for liking explosions in TV commercials.
What are you trying to say here? Are you commenting on the absurdity of the GDS? On celebrities? On Magic? I want to laugh, but I don't get the joke.
Piss off you piece of trash. You are making light of an incident in which 6 million people died. I normally don't get offended by jokes in poor taste, but most people not to joke around with the Holocaust. And those that do tend to be Jews, which is like Black people using the N word. I am willing to bet you aren't Jewish, so I am saying you just crossed a line. Freedom of speech or not, if we ever meet in real life, its going to be an unfortunate event for you.
I never made light of, mentioned, or even alluded to the Holocaust. The closest I came was referencing the leader responsible, but only for the purpose of giving people a baseline understanding of the fictional celebrity. I'm sorry that you read what you wanted (Or apparently didn't want) to read instead of what was there.
Are you joking? You made references to cleansing and inferior creatures, all examples of his Holocaust. I think you are just a stone idiot and can't understand what you wrote.
This makes everthying so completely painless.
I think tudor's comment was less vitriolic than the response from the "article" writer.
Joking about Hitler isn't funny, especially in the manner you wrote about it. I normally think stu55 trolls for the lulz most of the time, but this time around, I have to agree with him.
This was just awful. It was neither funny nor informative. I am also unclear what you were attempting to make fun of here. WotC, their Designer Search, reality shows…I'm unclear.
Well, quite the range of opinions, I figured I might as well throw my thoughts in there.
I was mildly entertained by the article, as some of the card designs made me smile, and it's hard to complain about free content.
I'll start by saying I'm not offended by the Hitler references. I also want to point out that this is clearly satire, is protected under the First Amendment, and there is no possible legal action to be taken.
With that said, I also understand how it could offend some people, which goes with the territory of a Jeebus article. I would have liked to have seen a more respectful response by Jeebus in the comments section, but at the same time, you know what you're going to get from him going into it. But I think forum responses like this reflect poorly on QS as an organization, which is unfortunate, as that's not an accurate representation.
You guys realize that sometimes, here on QS, we make jokes? Not every article can be me reading the Wall Street Journal aloud. Sometimes we run dry, educational stuff that makes your brain melt.
Sometimes we need a bit of absurdist humor to offset this. Anyone who reads a column by someone named Dr Jeebus and expects…well…anything….should reconsider.
I should also say that, as a Jew, I publicly support anything that makes fun of, or demeans, the trash that are Nazis. I can see that some people might get offended, but frankly, it works for me. It's one thing to say "the holocaust was funny". It's another to write a musical called The Producers, in which Adolf Hitler is openly mocked. Some articles on here are meant to stimulate your brain, pad your wallet, and educate. Others are meant to give you a laugh. Humor is subjective.
The lot of you need to get a grip and realize that this article is silly satire. If nothing else, it gave me something to read between hour-long sessions of staring at spreadsheets and weeping openly. You don't like it? Tough. Don't read it, and get off my lawn.
Thanks for the support! And while I know not EVERY article can be you reading the Wall Street Journal aloud, can we do that for my next article? I'll be sure to provide hard hitting, in depth analysis of the articles themselves, as well as on your vocal presence, timbre, and poise.
also, a jew, i actually found this pretty funny, and that's the nicest thing i've ever said about anything jeebus has ever done. 🙂
Kelly, it came off as making fun of the Holocaust, not Hitler.
Last Thursday, I woke up to a Facebook message from one of my mates in Scotland, a Rangers fan of the usual bigoted stripe.
"How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
Happy St Patrick's Day!"
Insensitive? Obviously. Crass? Sure. But I chuckled (somewhat guiltily) all the same, and to be fair I know many who wouldn't have laughed at all. Whether it be An Gorta Mor or the Shoah, some topics are off-limits for some people, an object of sorrow and anger and not of mirth. I respect that.
That said, we live in a diverse world, and not everyone has the same humour. If we're going to ask for tolerance in one direction, it needs to be extended the other way as well. Simply saying "I'm offended" and expecting the world to alter its trajectory just doesn't cut it anymore. Jeebus does no favours by his incendiary replies, but that's Jeebus. I'm sorry you didn't like the article, Stu. I think you and I both can at least agree that holding up racists as a cartoonish caricature to mock and ridicule is far preferable to allowing their views to pass as the mainstream.
I'm certainly not advocating that you bottle yourself up, 'go along to get along.' Instead, either simply change the channel (99% of QS articles are refreshingly Nazi-free), or if the spirit moves you leave something more than a simple "I'm offended" remark. I'd have looked much more favourably on your response if you'd perhaps satisfied your need to object by providing a link to the Holocaust Museum and said "see if you can still laugh after visiting this."
Having myself visited Oswiecim/Auschwitz, I can say that there really isn't anything funny about it. But I don't think that's what was being lampooned here.
just clarifying, the above "tudor" is not me. 🙂 sorry jeebus.
I guess it just goes to show that I should’ve named the offensive character “Eric Cartman” instead. I bet you all my Star Wars cards that no one would have been offended had I used that name. Except Boba Fett. No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man.
Yeah, risking Boba fett seems foolish. +1